I wish my penis had an off switch
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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