Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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