All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The best revenge is premature balding
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
