i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
