Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
