Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
