I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
