I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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