Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
