i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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