So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
