If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
