well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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