I cut my penus on the lid.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
