it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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