I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
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Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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