i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
