Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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