Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
