I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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