The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
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Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
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It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.