I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
