the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
