Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
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Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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