I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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