I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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