My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
