exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
