I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
