Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
