Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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