i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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