Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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