You can't motorboat a personality
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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