I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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