mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
