shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
