I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
