when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
