I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
