my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
