update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
