Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
