I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
