sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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