hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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