Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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