I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
