That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
