i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
