i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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