Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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