Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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