I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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