Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Also, beer. Big fan.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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