She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
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he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
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I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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