he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I did not marry a roomba.
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