last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
